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 In our October 'Additional Needs' issue (out now) we didn't have the space to cover the depth and breadth of the Additional Needs spectrum. Exclusively online we bring you this story by Gloria Hamilten on ADHD and the role of self worth.
Have you found self-confidence a fragile, fickle friend? As humans, we seem to be constantly plagued by self-doubt and our belief in ourselves is only as strong as our last achievement or praise we received. As a parent and teacher, I’m keenly aware of this fact and how incredibly important it is for a child’s self-confidence to be meaningfully bolstered when they are young. In actual fact, self-confidence is really an outer manifestation of how strong a child’s feeling of self-worth is. In other words, how strong their self-esteem or self-image is.
Our most important values and life skills are learnt well before we reach the age of thirteen, so it is vital that we pass on these values and skills to our children. Self-confidence is at the core of almost everything we do in life. I myself had been plagued with self-doubt and an inherent lack of confidence since childhood. It has taken me decades to get through many of these issues, and one thing I was determined about, was that my daughter would not suffer the same way as I had.
When my daughter was a toddler, she had a placid, happy personality that made her a dream to parent. Beneath this seemingly unfazed exterior was a very sensitive child who often retreated into her own world. I didn’t take much notice of this in her pre-school years as she was an only child and her behaviour was considered normal. Once she hit school, I noticed slight changes in her. She was not as chatty and didn’t seem to be enjoying school very much.
Her reading comprehension was good, as we had spent years developing this with story time each night, but she had difficulty with spelling, and was not at all athletic. In fact, to my disappointment, she was a very clumsy child who always came last in school sporting activities. I myself had been very athletic in high school, so I had never considered that my child would not be.
Being a teacher of 30 years and a keen learner, my first reaction to any problem is to learn about it and to take steps to fix it through education.
Self-worth develops as a result of:
• knowing intrinsically that we can do something
• knowing we are valued as a family member
• knowing that we fit into our school community
• being able to make and keep friends
• being listened to when we have something to say
• being acknowledged for our contribution, and
• being guided to improve, when as a child we are found lacking a required skill
It is important to be objective about your child’s achievements and accomplishments. Don’t let love cloud your vision. Too many parents and especially grandparents are so thrilled to see what their beloved child is doing that they deny the possibility that there can be any improvement. It has become common to hear that a child’s performance was “excellent”. What is left to achieve when a five year old’s accomplishment is excellent? Or, “Wasn’t she or he just magnificent!” I’m sure you can hear all the superlatives that get bandied about when looking at a child’s art work or performance.
There is little point in encouraging a child to join a sporting team when they have no intrinsic skill, or interest in that sport.I have often heard the remark: “He or she isn’t good at…., but is such a nice person, and that’s what counts.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for encouraging and praising, but not if it sounds like a consolation prize.Yes, being a good person is important, but to imply that nothing else is needed to lead a fulfilling life is a negative statement for two reasons. First of all, it suggests that the person making that remark has no faith in advanced aptitudes of their child. Secondly, that person does not have a healthy, realistic sense of ambition for their child to get ahead and use the limitless ability that they have.
Children learn from us, their parents, about striving, what constitutes success, fair play, encouragement, commitment, resolve, skill building, etc.
It’s like asking a five year old to write a piano sonata when they have never learnt to read or write music. A notable exception here would be prodigious talents such as Mozart, however, that kind of natural genius is rare. Most of us have to learn and practice something before we can be good at it. Confidence then is boosted when we have the skills to back up our actions.
Children are also incredibly intuitive and intelligent. They know when someone is giving them hollow praise. Sure, they like to hear praise, but hollow praise doesn’t build a healthy self-image. It does a child a disservice to encourage a pursuit for which they do not have the knowledge or skills, and that they have not attained real proficiency in. As an example, I would have been cruel to encourage my daughter to try out for the relay team when she was extremely weak at running, coming last in every race at school. If she really wanted to join the team, then I would have encouraged her to practice and really work at it so that when she wanted to try out, she actually had the necessary skills and resultant solid confidence in herself to know that she could succeed.
Before self-confidence can be boosted, you must first identify the cause of the lack of self-confidence. So, my first step was to find out what was causing my daughter to be so unhappy and retreat further and further into herself. The two main problems I identified were that scholastically she was falling behind, and her lack of coordination was holding her back physically. Socially, she had no problem making and keeping friends, but I knew that would soon change if we could not fix the other problems.
As part of an overall education, I believe that a school education alone does not provide all the knowledge and skills a child needs for their adult life. So, at the age of five, I enrolled my daughter in piano lessons, partly to begin encouraging a love of music, and also to give her something else to focus on apart from school work. The creativity that came from music proved a great source of joy for my daughter. While she did not enjoy the “chore” of having to practice between lessons, she did enjoy the feeling that came with improving, receiving praise from her teacher and hearing the beautiful sounds that came from the piano when she played. This also led to success in passing piano and theory exams and progressing to the point where she entered eisteddfods; even winning prizes in a few.
Her academic school studies slowly began to improve, partly because her overall confidence in herself was improving, and also because she was learning the discipline that came from learning, practising and focusing. She also began to learn time-management and organisational skills.
Now, I had to figure out how to tackle the second problem, her physical coordination. Teasing is a part of growing up, and every parent wants to try and minimise the amount of teasing their child will have to endure. This became increasingly important with my daughter’s obvious lack of athletic ability. Whenever we played music at home, I noticed my daughter would do beautiful balletic moves to the music. So, after trying all sorts of solutions to help her become more coordinated (including visiting a podiatrist and fitting her for insoles in her shoes), at the age of six, I enrolled her in Figure Skating classes as here was a combination of music, balletic moves, and athleticism.
I still remember that first day. It was not a raging success, by any means. One thing about my daughter was that she was very sensitive and did not like to be pushed. However, I truly believed that this would help her and that in time she would come to enjoy skating. I was also not one of those parents who sees a few tears and lets their child give up. If the tears continue for a longer period and I can see the pain is real, then I would of course eliminate the source of pain. But just because it seemed like a bit of a tantrum or a cop-out, no way was I going to be a party to that. Here is where our innate intuition comes into it (we all have it, even though we don’t always trust it).
Thankfully, I stood fast and my intuition was spot on, with Figure Skating becoming a passion of my daughter for many years to follow. She loved to skate and was extremely artistic and creative. The more athletic side of the sport she wasn’t as strong in, but skating is a sport that also counts artistry, as well as athleticism, which was perfect for her.
Finally, she began to thrive in this area also, though she was not a natural athlete. School sports she still wasn’t very good at, or even interested in, but that didn’t seem to matter as much after a while. People were fascinated by the prospect of Figure Skating, so in time there was a certain revered reputation she received – especially when we began travelling interstate for competitions. Slowly, my daughter’s self-confidence began to build, and her smile returned.
As part of this overall ‘evaluation’ process, one of the things I did learn about my daughter was that her attention span was very short. She would get bored with tasks very easily, and became fidgety and sometimes irritable when pushed to do homework and other chores.These days, the behaviour she exhibited would probably be termed Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), but in those days, such a term didn’t exist. I just made sure she had lots of activities to keep her busy. Piano and Figure Skating were just two extra-curricular activities. In time there was also music theory, violin, ballet, Chinese and German lessons, tennis and karate.All of these activities were experienced with the appropriate encouragement and input on how to improve to gain maximum enjoyment while they were part of her life.
You may think all this costly, but there are so many inexpensive ways to enrol your child in activities. After all, if we don’t give our children the opportunity to experience a smorgasbord of activities in different genres, how will they know what they are interested in, good in, or don’t like.
My daughter is now a happy, successful, independent adult who knows the importance of having a strong sense of self-esteem which is outwardly shown as self-confidence and, she has been involved with organisations which help instil these skills in other children.It is important to remember that confidence is like the ground beneath a stepping stone. If it isn’t solid, it makes progressing to that next step almost impossible.
Visit Gloria Hamilten's website ADHD Drug Free Solutions.
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