Now don’t get me wrong, I understand what the free-rangers are saying. In fact I agree with them. I know that children need freedom and independence and that some parents can be just a little too involved in their kids’ lives. But sometimes I find that I simply can’t help myself.

Take, for example, our family holidays. This is when I seem to morph into a doomsayer and general party pooper – pointing out hidden dangers to my kids at every opportunity. At a sunny resort you might hear me shouting, “Don’t go out on the balcony! People DIE when they fall from the eighth floor!” or, “Don’t lean up against the lift doors! What if they open and you FALL DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT?” or even, “Stay with mum and dad at all times! People STEAL children at theme parks!” and, “Don’t swim where I can’t see you! You CAN DROWN IN AN INCH OF WATER!” or, my personal favourite, “Don’t laugh while eating nachos! You’ll CHOKE TO DEATH!” In the end my kids usually roll their eyes and ask dad to take them to the beach.

When I chat with other mums I hear similar stories of overprotective parenting. So I wonder, are dads less likely to hover? Are they more able to be the chilled parent? And, more importantly, what is my problem?

When I started my family I determined that I would be the best mum I could be. From this vow I seem to have emerged with a focus on my children which has, at times, seen me labelled as a helicopter parent. But I would like to add something to the definition.

I hover because I love and worry about my kids. I’m not saying that free-rangers don’t, but it’s a fact sometimes overlooked when we start taking sides. I simply adore my kids and I want the best for them. And this, right now, is the best I know how to do. I evaluate, I consider, I think about how I parent. That’s just the way I roll, parenting fads be damned.

But I have learned to let go of some things. One is the obsession about my kids’ school reports. They’re polite? They’re doing okay? I’m good with that.

I have also learned that, while I can offer them a choice of extra-curricular activities, I have to allow them to say no. I have to allow them to spend time lazing around the backyard, time to splash in the pond, to kiss the rabbit, to cuddle the dog and to climb the frangipani tree.

All this learning leads me to propose an alternative to the helicopter; a hybrid if you will. A parent who takes the best bits from the free-rangers and the helicopters and calls them their own. That would be me.

DAD SAID...
I get helicopter parenting. As parents, we have struggled our entire lives to get to where we are. We have suffered, made big mistakes and have huge regrets. We know from the latest studies what it takes to be successful and, if honest, we know we lack some of these traits. If only when we were young, we had more advice. A mentor. More... guidance.

When famous people accept awards they always say, “I’d like to thank Mum and Dad for their support”. They never say, “Thanks Mum for missing soccer practice, doing nothing and not really caring”. No free-range kid ever won an Oscar, right?

Wrong. Yes, we all want what is best for our kids. Parenting is required. However, we’ve let the worthy goal of nurturing grow into an anxiety about risk. Instead of guiding towards great decisions, we choose our child’s path for them. Instead of preparing kids for the outside world, we keep them indoors. Our desire to educate has led us to a very particular hell: Structured play. Flash cards. A close monitoring of cognitive development aligned with physical development programs.

But honestly, that sounds like a lot of work. Can I be bothered? And the results haven’t been so crash hot either, have they? Students are arriving at university described as ‘tea-cups’ because they shatter under the pressure of organising a simple class schedule. Indoor-only activity is leading to excessive screen time and obesity. To borrow the title of a book on the topic, we are developing A Nation of Wimps.

But what’s the solution? Let kids make mistakes. Let them outside. Let them play. These are the key tenents to the new movement. Stepping back from helicopter parenting is hard to do but the benefits are worth it for the child. Researchers, teachers and social workers now declare that unstructured make-believe play is essential for self-regulation, imagination and developing social skills. Excessive interference prevents the acquisition of those skills.

The anti-helicopter movement is best known as ‘free-range parenting’, despite Lenore Skenazy’s excellent book on the subject being without a publisher in Australia. The emphasis is not only on giving kids free time but giving ourselves time off as well.

As a Dad whose aim is long sleep-ins on the weekend, this is good news indeed. Some parents may work themselves into a lather over the suggestion made in the latest release, Fifty Dangerous Things by Gever Tulley, that kids lick a nine volt battery – but I won’t. Instead, I’ll focus this year on getting my four-year-old daughter to make her own breakfast. Sure, reading is important but not as important as milk over Weet-Bix and a few hours of shush.

By all means provide structure in their home life, be safe, buckle up and insist on helmets. Have expected standards of behaviour. Give them chores around the house. Guide their interests and viewing habits.

But for the best life lessons, it isn’t guidance that kids need. It is the chance to make mistakes. That’s when any of us learn best.
So what is my role as a parent? Simply this: I don’t plan to protect my child from the fall. I plan to be there two seconds later to help her get back up. If she needs me. That’s the essence of free-range parenting.

Where Did Helicopter Parents Come From?

The term helicopter parenting was originally used by Foster W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay in their 1990 book Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility, and has been taken up by other social commentators and writers such as Carl Honore, Frank Furedi and Tom Hodgkinson. The metaphor came about because such parents are seen as constantly hovering over their offspring like helicopters.

In 2009, Lenore Skenazy received global media coverage for letting her nine-year-old ride the New York subway alone and thus coined the phrase ‘free range kids’ as an alternative to helicopter parenting.

FURTHER READING:
Carl Honore (2008) Under Pressure: Rescuing Our Children From The Culture Of Hyper-Parenting
Tom Hodgkinson (2009) The Idle Parent: Why Less Means More When Raising Kids
Lenore Skenazy (2009) Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had without Going Nuts with Worry
Marano H E (2008 ) A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting Broadway
Tulley G, Spiegler J (2009) Fifty Dangergous Things (You Should Let Your Children Do)
Lisa Belkin (2009) In Defense of Helicopter Parents.
Dan Aucoin (2009) For Some, Helicopter Parenting Delivers Benefits.

JOIN THE DISCUSSION:
“Do mums hover more than dads?”  Visit our forum and have your say.

Comments (6)

Subscribe to this comment's feed

Jes said:

Mum v Dad Mum - without a doubt, I think that it's in our genes to hover more. It's the way we're 'built'. I've taught myself over time that it's ok to let them fall down, dust themselves off, and help them back up again. I don't fuss. Externally, it's a cool calm "You'll be fine mate, up you get". Internally, I stress about the little things, infections, broken bones, fears of falling again. But they're my fears. I can't raise boys that way, or they'll end up pansies. Dad - Fess up! I think us mums are after your trick of the trade... the ability to have the laid back ability to parenting... Any tips?

report abuse vote down vote up

Mon (01/45) - 01:45 pm
Votes: +0

Alison said:

Love this! Love the pairing of the two opinions. It's great. Despite being the mother I'm definitely in the free-range non-hovering camp. 4 years old is absolutely old enough to splash milk on weet-bix (just teach her to wipe up afterwards, and don't forget that washing dishes is FUN). My children (at ages 11 and 9) love being left home alone for the afternoon or evening, they tell me that they love that I trust them. There is the occasional messy kitchen when I come back, and often the ice-cream stocks seem strangely depleted, but they're learning to look after themselves. We are raising adults, after all. Jayne - you're not as big a hoverer as you say, I'm sure. But the nachos thing is terribly funny. Hundreds of people die of nachos choking every year, somebody should do an expose... lol

report abuse vote down vote up

Wed (03/37) - 10:37 am
Votes: +0

Meredith @ thinkthinks said:

... I think the secret is for hovering Mums to hide their fears behind nagging about good manners. "Don't lean on the elevator doors, you'll block the way for people coming out". "Eat with your mouth closed." "Stay where I can see you, so I can make sure you're not bothering other people!" :-) I'm pretty free-range. My kids have a lot of independence, compared with other kids their age. They ride bikes around the neighbourhood and explore down at the creek. Afternoons are spent in the front and backyards of 4 different houses in our street, and they know to be home when the streetlights come on. My theory is: Worry because you love them, then let them do it anyway, because you love them.

report abuse vote down vote up

Wed (03/58) - 10:58 am
Votes: +1

Anj (@1writergrrl) said:

Taking lessons from Dad No doubt about it, I'm a worrier. But I have to admit that I work hard to go against my worrier ways and let my extremely adventurous boys go their own way as much as possible. Do I get bothered about the fact that when they go out with hubby they always seem to come back bloody & bruised? Yes. But I figure if my hubby survived, then they're likely to as well. I have to say, Dad, you've got my support here...even if it goes against my hyper-anxious nature!

report abuse vote down vote up

Fri (12/32) - 02:32 am
Votes: +0

Chrissy said:

	Article in SMH - Helicopter parents not doing enough to let children fail http://www.smh.com.au/national...html/url] This is a great article making a point about helicoptered children and how they are fearful of making mistakes at school.
	report abuse vote down vote up

Sun (18/41) - 10:41 am
Votes: +0

cisco transceivers said:

	... Order fiber optic transceiver from SFPEX - the leading manufacturer of optical transceiver such as SFP, SFP+, XFP,X2, Mini-SAS Cable,CX4 Cable,XENPAK, GBIC, BIDI, CWDM, DWDM.
	report abuse vote down vote up

Wed (01/03) - 10:03 pm
Votes: +0

Show/hide comment form

Email Name		Title Comment smaller | bigger
		Subscribe via email (registered users only) I have read and agree to the Terms of Usage. Write the displayed characters Add Comment