MUM SAID...

It’s one of the oldest clichés in the parenting books – how come you need a license to drive a car but anyone can have a child?
While it’s obvious that letting people get into cars without instruction is guaranteed to result in lost lives it begs the question of what happens if we let just anyone steer the life of another human being?

I have occasionally suggested that government payments for parents should be contingent on recipients completing a parenting course – kind of like the Maternity Immunisation Allowance we receive when the kids have had all their shots. General concepts which could be covered would include things like emotional attachment for babies, discipline, socialisation and the importance of play, as well as trouble shooting issues such as post natal depression.

Too nanny state? Maybe. Impossible to implement. Uh, I’m thinking yes. Doesn’t mean I’m not a fan of the idea. But would it make a difference to the way we parent?
When I was pregnant with my firstborn I received the dubious advice that you can ‘read too much’. ‘Surely not!’ the girlie swot in me protested. I devoured the What to Expect/Up the Duff/Baby Love library during that surfeit of uninterrupted free time that pre-parents take for granted.

And naturally I was first in line when it came time to sign up for pre-natal classes. Graphic demonstration of a forceps delivery? Yes please. Detailed explanation (with pics) of an episiotomy? Indeed. Interactive preparation for pelvic rocking, breathing though contractions and primal moaning? Bring it!

My daughter was a textbook baby. Slept and fed like a champion. Grew like the dickens. Brought all the joy. See, all that preparing did help.

So when my son came along, my theory of being ‘educated’ about child rearing should have meant that I had the gig all sewn up. I’d read the book, seen the movie, and had the living, breathing action figure in great working order. But I must confess to a sneaking suspicion that the ease with which we parented our firstborn was perhaps a quirk of her nature rather than a reflection of the textbooks I had devoured.

As if to prove a point, Levi was a completely different kind of baby. He breastfed on the hour as a newborn and then turned up his nose at every single food put in front of him thereafter. He grizzled when he was awake. He wanted to crawl before he could sit upright, walk before he could crawl and run before he could walk.  Throw into the mix the fact that he was a boychild and this ‘learned’ mum became something of a dunce. I had no idea what to do with him, quite frankly. Maybe you really couldn’t be taught this stuff.

But the too-much-learnin’-is-never-enough me dies hard. Could it be that the key is reading and learning as much about parenting as you are comfortable with and then tempering it with a decent helping of come-what-may?

Then again, how would I know? I’m still trying to work it out myself.

DAD SAID...

Having a second child is a crazy experience. For starters, there’s no time off. With a first you can sleep when they’re sleeping - no such luck with two about. Plus there’s the sibling rivalry (although I’m sure that by the time my two daughters are five and eight that’ll have all blown over).  And has anyone ever noticed the uncanny ability for bad habits to jump from child to child?

But in some ways the second child is easier. There’s no culture shock and not every challenge is a new challenge. You’ve  learned to change them, you have an idea of good introductory foods and you know techniques for quieting a crying baby. It isn’t the blind panic like those which characterised the first two months of my eldest daughter’s life.

So why am I hesitant to suggest parenting classes for Mums and Dads to-be? There are obvious benefits from knowing what to expect and experience. A parenting class would probably be a big plus.

Actually, I take that back. I doubt it’d be a big plus at all. There’s simply too much to learn. You could study for three months and still be floored by the experience. Each week and month is different from the last. Jas at four years eleven months is a vastly different being from Jas at four years six months.

And who would write the curriculum? There are dozens of parenting styles hotly debated among blog posts and elsewhere from the always-sleep-in-your-bed-whip-the-snack-bags-out style to the sleep-alone-and-feed-every-three-hours-no-matter-what-from-birth style, and the vast gulf between them that most of us occupy. (Whatever gets you the most sleep is the one I recommend).

And isn’t there enough ‘bad parent’ bombs awaiting any new sleep-deprived mum or dad to worry about without knowing you’re not following the government approved and presented correct-parenting-technique. Or worse, we are following it and are still in trouble?

Of course most parents-to-be are open to ideas. They have friends, their own parents, the baby clinic and more books than you could read in a lifetime to assist. Styles may vary however. Mums tend to research; Dads tend to desperately scramble through the Baby Love index at midnight.

So while I think that most parents will do just fine with the help already available, there is one class that I think should be mandatory for Dads. The course shouldn’t be about being a Dad - it should be about post natal depression (PND).

Sure, PND is mentioned in the prenatal classes but it tends to get lost in the joy of the moment - between discussions about birth plans and jokes about birth plans. What it should be is a separate half hour where the Dads are taken aside and PND is discussed in detail - how to spot it, when does it strike, who can you call, how can you help? Sober reflection is required. And it should be before the birth of each child, not just the first. It’s hard to find the notes four years down the track.

While there may be no single parenting style and the ‘course of life’ may be too wide and too strange to cover in a few weekend classes I think we can all benefit from a better PND net. It’s worth a thought, at least.

What the experts say:

Parenting Courses:

While the saying, ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ has become almost a cliche in parenting circles, its intrinsic truth remains. Mums and dads need others to show them the way.
In days gone by family networks provided  teachers and support people for parents. With geographic movements and other social changes some of us find that we are parenting without a parachute, so to speak.

Reaching out to those who know the ropes is essential. Trusting your instincts and believing that you can parent your children effectively is also important. Dr Benjamin Spock’s famous words ring true. “You know more than you think you do.”

But for the times when any or all of those things may be unavailable there are a range of courses available to help parents on their way.

Relationships Australia provides a wide range of assistance for families requiring a helping hand. Some of their courses include: Managing Children’s Behaviour -exploring how parents can build better relationships with their children. Topics include effective discipline strategies while maintaining a strong relationship with your children and looking after yourself as a parent. They also offer  Surviving Adolescence - a course aiming to support parents to assist their teenagers in meeting the challenges of the adolescent years.

A variety of private enterprises also offer courses for parents. A quick Google of “Parenting Courses” should bring up a few relevant links.

Resources:

Relationships Australia Website

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