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Mum Said / Dad Said: Vive la différence
Written by Chris Howe and Jayne Kearney   
Friday, 08 October 2010 16:58
thumb_sunny_days_pointWouldn’t life be boring if we all did things the same way? While this is hard to remember when you’re in the middle of a vociferous ‘difference of opinion’ with your parenting partner it stands to reason that kids benefit from experiencing life through many sets of eyes rather than a single shade of beige. This month Chris Howe and Jayne Kearney look at why being different isn’t a bad thing. Jayne

MUM SAID...

Put your hand up if you’ve ever come over all Mars and Venus in the face of the parenting techniques of your partner? While gender stereotypes are not particularly helpful, sometimes we simply can’t avoid the fact that mums and dads do things differently.

But are these differences really based on gender or are they simply due to individual quirks of personality?

I’m a bookish kind of mum. My one big dream for my kids was that they discover a love of reading. When my daughter didn’t transform into the bookworm I was at her age I was vaguely unsettled. Not that I expected a mini-me but I guess I figured that, as a girl, she would be more like me than her dad.

My husband, however, is chalk to my cheese. He loves to be outdoors and, while I’m inside reading the paper he’ll be in the garden feeding the guinea pigs or slipping on his wetsuit to go surfing. My daughter is exactly the same. She has inherited his love of animals and his pursuit of physical activities. So much so that when they go surfing together I have to stay home. Indy knows that when she’s with dad she can take on bigger waves, go further out into the ocean, take more risks. It’s the ‘dad difference’ that I know she needs.

My son, on the other hand, seems to be more like me. When we’re walking around the supermarket I’ll call to him to stop dawdling and turn to find him nose deep in a book about turtles, or comic book heroes, or magic. He has a different sense of wonder to his sister and his dad. Where they see majesty in nature and tangible things he sees it in the worlds of the imagination. He’s a bit more dreamy and a little less physical.

And just as I avert my eyes when Luke takes Indy into the ever deeper water, I’m sure my husband bites his tongue when I indulge Levi and his flights of fancy.

But I think we manage - most of the time at least - to strike some kind of balance. When Levi has spent just a little too long in front of the computer or TV or has been reading for most of the day, his dad will wrestle with him or tickle him or tell him to go climb a tree.

On my part, when I see Indy still up that same tree on dusk, remembering that her homework is untouched and she hasn’t read a book for fun all week I might encourage her inside and fish out an old Enid Blyton favourite in an attempt to kickstart the reading bug once more.

And this year I have finally noticed a payoff for our kids. After a less than stellar season of rugby, Levi has discovered the joys of school soccer - his inner jock has found a little voice. Indy, on the other hand, thrilled me the other night by asking if she could stay up a little later so that she could finish the book she had started that afternoon.
Different strokes, different folks - and maybe it’s nothing to do with gender after all.

sunny-days-chris

DAD SAID...

My wife once asked me, “Do you really want everyone to agree with you?” to which I, in a moment of true honesty, replied, “Not only do I want everyone to agree with me, but I want them to slap their head, yell, ‘Of course!’ and recognise my brilliance all at the same time”.

Yeah, perhaps my ego needs a little humbling. As it turns out, my wife has no problem assisting me in that goal. Between the ‘pull your head in’ and ‘you’re doing that all wrong’ (which, by the way, were her first ever words to me) she is always ready with alternative advice. 

And so one of the best things about the difference between Mums and Dads is that we do disagree. Sometimes there are battles with our children that I don’t see the need to win, whereas my wife deems it essential. But often it’s the other way around. And while I’d like to think I could be Peppa Pig’s mellow, nothing-fazes-me Dad, I’m not, and my wife is always there to calm me down when the top is about to explode. Sometimes, she’s the difference between an evening meal eaten and the need to have a couple of shallow graves out back with a quick getaway car out front.

When we don’t agree on issues more important that broccoli consumption - religion is one example - we develop a compromise that keeps everyone happy, including the grandparents.

And there are other sources of advice too. I once asked on Twitter: ‘4yo always asking for fruit at bedtime. Yes or no?” I got twenty responses ranging from, “Asking for healthy food?!! I wish! Give her some!” to “It’s a bedtime stalling tactic - hold firm, tell her no”. There were some more reasoned arguments, of course and in the end my wife and I decided to let her eat an apple or banana (which was the reverse of our original decision) but it was interesting for my wife and I to see the alternative advice.

So, while variety is the spice of life - or so it’s been said - my wife and I agree on most of the fundamentals, which is essential too: the importance of education and the need to promote a love of reading for example, or the necessity of local community.

We also recognise the hard times as hard times together, which is probably the key component. We might disagree about the solutions, but the foundations are solid, at least, in my sleep deprived state, they seem solid - although my wife just might raise an eyebrow at this column and assist my ego back into its box once again.

But this isn’t a blanket cheer for marriage, but a cheer for difference of opinions. Replace ‘my wife’ with ‘my partner’ or your dad or best friend or yes, even a group of Twitter mates, and you’ve got differences of opinion.  And plenty of advice. No one knows your kids as well as you do, but it always helps to have a second opinion.

 

Expert Opinion:

From parenting educator Michael Grose:

“Kids learn important lessons from their dads. A recent study found that three quarters of Australian dads nominated their father as the person from whom they learned their most important life skills.
Shaving, riding bikes, driving and changing tyres are the skills that men attributed to their dads. At first glance these may not appear too startling but dig a little deeper and you find that they attribute vital lifelong success characteristics to their dads.

High work ethic, honesty, supportiveness and loyalty were all values that men directly attributed to their dads. The results of the study show that dad is the ‘doing’ guy. Mothers tend to interact with their kids differently. They are more verbal, more astute at developing interpersonal skills and more likely to reveal what is on their mind. The language of fatherhood is about activity - dads teach many of their important lessons through activity. Learning to be a good sport, to share and to work toward a goal are lessons that dads teach their kids in very hands-on ways.

The study also showed that it was through activity that men formed their relationships with their dads. Playing, tinkering, building and pulling things apart are the modus operandi of many dads.”

Visit www.parentingideas.com.au

JOIN THE DISCUSSION:

"Do you parent differently to your partner? What effect do you think this has on your kids?"

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