Haywire hormones, sleep deprivation, the loss of ‘me time’ - we expect some challenges to our emotional health when we become parents. But there is another threat to our mental well-being that we may not anticipate. Kate Ross tells of her experiences with the Parenting Police.

Sometimes I wonder if somebody wrote ‘Open for Public Comment’ on my back before I left the maternity ward. The number of times that complete strangers have given me uninvited parenting advice or criticism now nears the number of times I’ve told my toddler that nobody likes a ‘whingey voice’.

It began when my eldest was still small enough to fit in a cotton pouch against my chest. Glowing with pride I would embark on my earliest post-birth adventures out into the world. Passersby would coo at my newborn son and smile at me, but on one such day an elderly woman’s, “He’s beautiful,” was swiftly followed by, “He should have a hat on.” It was summer and I knew just how warm he was against me, but I mulled it over. ‘Am I doing something wrong? Do people think I am a bad mother?’The next week a younger man sitting opposite me on a train skipped the comment on my baby’s beauty and went straight to, “Is he not cooking in there?” And so it began.

In my struggle to not let the implied or even outright criticism of strangers challenge my confidence as a mother, I’ve tried a few strategies. When I sat my baby on the floor at the post office in order to keep my toddler’s hands off their confectionary shelves, my action was met with, “You don’t know what that baby will catch off that carpet.” This was an opportunity to put into practice a friend’s suggestion to see such comments as evidence that our society cares about babies. As I laughed politely I chanted to myself, “Society cares. Society cares.” But it didn’t stop me fuming all the way home about retailers’ oh-so-convenient placement of junk food at little people’s eye-level.

With mixed results from the ‘Society Cares’ strategy I thought I might give direct defence a go. So, when a stranger in the supermarket walked by and said to me, “He’ll fall out of that trolley and break his neck,” I countered with, “Actually, he knows to sit when we move and only to stand when we stop. So I’m on top of it, thanks.” We later told Daddy that Mummy was called a “truck and idiot” by a man in the cereal aisle.

I’d love to take a leaf out of a particularly witty friend’s book. While having a small glass of champagne at a celebration she was asked if she should be drinking alcohol when breastfeeding. “Well,” she replied in Kaz Cooke fashion, “the baby simply won’t take it directly from the bottle.” I can do pithy too. But usually several hours too late.

As with many people, raising my children to the best of my abilities is my most important goal. It is the best job I will ever have, even if it is the hardest. It follows that I will reflect on other people’s opinions. The trouble is that strangers are not in a position to judge. Unlike friends and relatives, they don’t know our situation or the flavour of the childhood we’re aiming to give our children. And, unlike experts in the childcare field, they rarely have the passion, experience or knowledge to qualify as commentators. Yet they do – and they do damage.

At a birthday party recently, I left my youngest sitting amongst the adults while I kept an eye on my toddler. I left some plastic spoons with him. He’s eating solids now so getting in some practice is a good idea, I reasoned. Soon my baby was returned to me with, “He was going to choke on those spoons”. Sigh.

Then I remembered the tactic that has worked best so far - ‘Only respect the advice of people you respect’. That advice came from my best friend - the father of my children. He may not think I’m perfect but at least he’s in a position to know.

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Catherine Rosser said:

The nerve of strangers astounds me!! Kate Ross, I empathise with you! I too have been through this. My firstborn is 8 months old and already I have come across critics rudely commenting on my completely normal parenting! I was at the local library and placed my boy on the carpeted floor for a minute to free up my arms. He found a low, completely empty shelf two feet away from me and tapped his little fingers on it to experiment. Well, this nosey woman next to me looks from me to him a few times then says "He'll hurt himself on that." ???. Well, Needless to say I just looked at her with a perplexed look and picked him up and moved him away. Hurt himslef HOW?? The shelf even had smooth rounded edges. He was calmly sitting beside it. Go figure...? Another time, I took him with me to pick up 2 bottles of champagne for my birthday dinner-party (it's not like we have a personal nanny to take care of him while I did this). It was the first time I had purchased alcohol in a long time. My son was restless that day and was crying a bit so I was holding him, but at the check-out I had no choice but to place him in the pram so I could pay the cashier. Well, to my horror, some psychopath in front of me suddenly went off his head about how I was an; "F*#!ing Loser, alcoholic mother who doesn't take care of her child" and that I apparently "don't deserve to have a child"... then he stormed out leaving me horrified and he never once even looked me in the eye. Within one minute I was crying my eyes out in disbelief and anger. His twisted view of me couldn't have been further from the truth. Any parent knows that sometimes children cry, and after exhausting all solutions there's nothing you can do about it but wait it out. Sometimes you have to put them down to get things done- even if they are crying! Also, even though I am a parent does not mean I can't enjoy a glass of champage on my birthday without being called a loser alcoholic by a total stranger!! These instances left me infuriated and angry that I hadn't told those people 'Where to go", however, in the later instance of the 'bottle shop man' - I chose not to respond for the safety of my child, as this man was clearly agressive and unstable. But it still leaves us parents wondering, what should we say to these public parenting police?- I say that we should respond with- "Thanks, but I love my child and my parenting skills are just fine. Perhaps you should mind your own business". Stay strong parents! Remember, that we are all doing the best we can

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Sat (09/43) - 08:43 pm
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Florence said:

Tiring Good story! The most tiring and completely draining thing I find I have to deal with (feeding and sleeping dramas now sorted) is Other Peoples' Opinions. While I honestly don't give a toss what other people think of me, it just wears me down to know I am under surveillance every time I step out the door. It really does affect your mental wellbeing, as it feels like your confidence is being undermined. My favourite comment was from an older lady outside the supermarket. I was busy wiping that day's seven thousandth vomit from my son's clothes and the lady sidled up to me and said, "He's gorgeous". Followed by,"I bet you think you're the only one in the world to go through this, don't you?". Then she walked away. So taking the 'society cares' approach, I think she maybe really meant to be encouraging, i.e. you're not alone. However it didn't come out that way!!

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Tue (30/51) - 09:51 am
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