| The power of pillow talk |
| Written by Philippa Macken |
 From Edition 11 – July 2008Philippa Macken gets immersed in the cleansing power of pillow talk. I’m taking my husband away. Twenty-four child-free hours of nothing but adult conversation, uninterrupted meals and, ultimately, a lot of sleep. It’s not his birthday, nor is it our anniversary. Instead, I am taking him away to say “thank you” for sharing in the parenting of our children and, most importantly, to reward us both for a job well done (so far). Like most conscientious parents of the twenty-first century, my husband and I spend an inordinate amount of time analysing our parenting techniques, lamenting when we get it wrong, too often brushing over the golden moments when we get it unequivocally right. As we fall into bed of an evening, sharing the day’s events and gathering our collective thoughts, our conversations invariably go something like this: Me: I really feel like I wasn’t a very good mother today. I was so tired and snappy tonight. Him: Yeah, I’m so sorry I couldn’t help more when Harry was throwing that tantrum. I was trying desperately to finish with that client on the phone but it just dragged on. Me: I know. All Leila wanted was for me to help her make that play dough jungle and I just couldn’t manage it, what with making dinner and dealing with Harry. We dwell in silence for a while. Me: It shouldn’t be this hard. Look at Natalie. Four children, yet her house is always immaculate and she never raises her voice. Him: (sigh) Maybe we should compare ourselves to Britney Spears instead. We close our eyes and silently continue to berate ourselves for our parental shortcomings before dozing off into an uneasy sleep. To be honest, we are not generally this pessimistic, but we are constantly battling our inner critic and being hard on ourselves, and each other, whenever we deviate even slightly from the ‘ideal parent’ model. Perhaps it is because we are relatively new to this parenting game and wish desperately to get it right. It was on the eve of our eldest child’s fifth birthday that I had an epiphany. My husband was sitting next to our daughter on the couch, talking to her about how it feels to be five years old. They were joking and laughing and the love between them was palpable. In a blinding flash, the tables turned and I saw with clarity everything we were doing, and had done, ‘right’ in this parenting game that we share with equal dedication. So, I am taking my husband away to remind him of how diligently we educated ourselves on childbirth and breastfeeding after we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant with our first baby almost six years ago. How, after the birth of this child, we sacrificed our fabulous city lifestyle and moved to the Central Coast, to give our child the chance to grow up near her grandparents, surrounded by ocean, trees and clean air. How, together, we made the decision for my husband to leave his secure position as a travel agent and set up his own company from home, so he could be completely involved in sharing the every-day rearing of our baby daughter. All dedicated parents make their own unique set of sacrifices. When I began to make this mental list of the positive steps we had made as parents, I found it was endless. Endless physical sacrifices (not the least of which being sleep), endless mental and emotional challenges, none of which was being made easier by second guessing ourselves at every step. Simple decisions, such as whether or not to enroll Harry in kindergym, give us the same mental work-out as the more difficult challenges, such as whether to enroll Leila in the local Catholic primary school, or the nearby public school with the fantastic reputation. As a parent, every choice feels weighted with enormous responsibility. Could this decision be the one that inadvertently alters our child’s future? I take enormous solace in sharing this sometimes overwhelming sense of responsibility with an equally committed partner. So, I am saving a special bottle of wine for our long-awaited weekend away. Together, we will toast the past five years of parenting. We’ll toast our shining moments and our dismal mistakes, because without the mistakes we can’t learn and improve. Most importantly, we’ll make a toast to the fact that we are fortunate enough to be able to share this parenting gig with each other. It is a beautiful truth that a joy shared is a joy doubled and as we learn from each other’s mistakes, we grow together as a family. In fact, with our new-found parenting confidence, perhaps this weekend is a good time to consider a third child? On the other hand, a really long sleep-in is far more tempting! |