From Edition 8 - April 2008
There’s more to early learning than crayons and dress-ups, writes Jodie McEwen.
Friendships and peer relationships form an important part of a kid’s life. Friends contribute hugely to a child’s social and emotional development from toddlerhood to teenage years and beyond. Therefore, it’s vital that we encourage positive and appropriate behaviours to our children and their friends from the very beginning.

Some kids will be naturally confident, outgoing and open, able to converse easily with new people. Other children will tend more to the introverted, quiet end of the spectrum. Whatever your child’s personality, there are ways to facilitate the beginnings of a new friendship.

Whether your child thrives on playing in a large group, or prefers just one or two friends at a time, some common themes remain. Making friends and being part of a group involves such skills as sharing and taking turns, as well as co-operating to achieve a goal. Communication is the key in any relationship, which includes being aware of another child’s feelings and developing some sensitivity. Even basic things like not hitting or snatching or yelling need to be learned in the early stages (and often it’s a lesson that needs to be learned again and again!).

As always, parents are the first teachers. The way we act and react to those around us models to our children the way to interact with others. Do we speak kindly to people? Are we good at waiting our turn in the supermarket queue? Do we empathise with someone who is sad? The kind of friends that we are will greatly impact the kind of friends that our children learn to be.

It’s important that children are allowed to make their own friends. They need to practise and learn for themselves what works. Parents can hinder that development if they continually step in and do it all for their offspring. Let them start off with “My name’s Lara. What’s your name?” Hold your breath, and see what the response is from the other kid. Usually, it’s something like “My name’s Tom. Wanna play tips?” As they grow and develop, so do their conversational and relational skills.

It may help to teach your child to ‘read’ other children’s body language and behaviour. “I think Josh is a bit upset by your yelling. You have frightened him! Let’s use a quiet voice.” or “Sarah’s sitting by herself. She looks like she might like to play with someone. Let’s see if she wants to kick the ball with us.” By recognising and labelling a child’s expression or emotion, you can show your own child a way to deal with it in a caring way.

Some children may find it more difficult than others to make friends. Shyness, low self-confidence or other stresses in life can affect a child’s ability or desire to make friends. If this is happening at pre-school or school, it’s vital for parents to work with a sympathetic teacher or the school counsellor to get things on the right track for the child. Establishing a network of friends, or even just a friend or two, will help a child feel connected and valued in their environment.  

There’s an old saying that says ‘to have a good friend, you need to be a good friend’. It is possible to raise children who grow up to have and be kind, thoughtful friends. It takes teaching and encouragement in the early years, but the investment of time and effort results in a great habit both you and your children will enjoy for a lifetime.

Further Reading
Regional Parenting Service | geelongcity.vic.gov.au/library/pdf/5273/09.pdf
Kids Health | cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetailsKids.aspx?p=335&np=286&id=1705
ShyKids | shykids.com/shykidsfriends.htm
Kidspot | kidspot.com.au/topic+185+Making-Friends-at-School.htm